Becoming a Mother

This might surprise you, but I did not want to be a mother. At least not yet. I always dreamed of having kids, sure. I even thought it might be nice to have them young. But when I found out I was pregnant I was devastated.

My husband and I had just gotten married three months earlier, at the ripe young age of 22. I had just quit my job and taken a big pay cut to back to school one month after getting married. We were young, it was just the two of us we reasoned. I hadn’t gotten my period in 11 months. I took a pregnancy test at Christmas time that came back negative and went to the doctor to get blood work done. I had no idea what God had coming for me.

Since I left my job, I had to get new insurance. So right before I went to my appointment I figured I would take another pregnancy test. I wanted to be able to go in and tell them without a doubt that I definitely wasn’t pregnant. So you can imagine my surprise, when that little pink stick flashed +yes up at me. And you better believe I didn’t breathe a word to my husband! A quick Google search informed me that while false positives occurred, they were rare. And my trip to the doctor a couple days later only confirmed my fears: I was having a baby. And it feels awful to say, but I started praying for a miscarriage. It was too soon. The timing wasn’t right. This was going to mess up all of my plans. I was terrible for wishing it. I thought of all the women who wanted babies. Who struggle to have babies. And here I was with the perfect husband, a lovely marriage, and a baby on the way that I didn’t want.

I went back later in the week for an ultrasound to determine gestational age. And you guessed it, I went by myself. I still hadn’t told my husband. Except when I went in, the ultrasound tech couldn’t see anything. Nothing in my uterus. Nothing in my tubes. So the doctor had bloodwork done to check my hormone levels. They told me I might just be too early to see anything. However, there was a chance that the pregnancy was ectopic. We would know more once the blood work came back on Monday, but they told me if I had pain or bleeding over the weekend to go to the emergency room. Just in case. I finally called my mom and told her. I was so conflicted. It seems like maybe God was giving me what I had prayed for already. A non-viable pregnancy. But when I got home, I dropped to my knees. Because for some reason I couldn’t help praying for God to save the baby that I didn’t want.

I told my husband that night. Of course it happened to be a night that we were already arguing about something else. Go figure. Thankfully, my husband was much happier than I was. We got the blood work results back from the doctor, I followed up with another ultrasound to confirm that I had just caught my pregnancy very early on. From there, I went on to have a safe, successful pregnancy. No morning sickness. Very few food aversions. My only real cravings were brie cheese and chocolate milk. But I still struggled on and off. Some days I was happy, others I was still sad. I knew I would love my daughter, because isn’t that what people always tell you? Most days were still a challenge though. I could not imagine what life would be like.

Do you want to know what happened next? I went into labor. Then I had the most beautiful baby girl I had ever seen. And I barely sleep that night in the hospital. Even though my daughter was sleeping, all I could do was sit there and hold her. And stare in wonder. Since then, there has never been a doubt. I have more faith now, knowing God’s plan is perfect, even when I don’t understand it. I’m so thankful for how, and when He chooses to give gifts. And I’m thankful for the prayers that He does not answer. Because if I had my way, I would’ve wished away one of the best gifts that He had for me: becoming a Mother.

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