This might surprise you, but I did not want to be a mother. At least not yet. I always dreamed of having kids, sure. I even thought it might be nice to have them young. But when I found out I was pregnant in January 2018 I was devastated.
My husband and I had just gotten married three months earlier, at the ripe young age of 22. I had just quit my job and taken a big pay cut to back to school one month after getting married. We were young, it was just the two of us we reasoned. We definitely wanted to wait to start a family.
My body didn’t seem to be in any rush either. I hadn’t had a period for 8 months prior to getting married, and I hadn’t had one after either. I took a pregnancy test around Christmas 2017 (just to check) which came back negative and went to the doctor to get blood work done. I had no idea what God had coming for me.
Since I left my job, I had to get new insurance. So right before I went to my new doctor for my blood work results, I figured I would take another pregnancy test. I knew that that would be their first question after 11 months without a period. I wanted to be able to go in and tell them without a doubt that I definitely wasn’t pregnant. So you can imagine my surprise, when that little pink stick flashed +yes up at me. And you better believe I didn’t breathe a word to my husband! A quick Google search informed me that while false positives occurred, they were rare. And my trip to the doctor a couple days later only confirmed my fears: I was having a baby. And it feels awful to say, but I started praying for a miscarriage. It was too soon. The timing wasn’t right. This was going to mess up all of my plans. I was terrible for wishing it. I thought of all the women who wanted babies. Who struggle to have babies. And here I was with the perfect husband, a lovely marriage, and a baby on the way that I didn’t want.
I went back later in the week for an ultrasound to determine gestational age. And you guessed it, I went by myself. I still hadn’t told my husband. Except when I went in, the ultrasound tech couldn’t see the baby. Nothing in my uterus. Nothing in my tubes. So the doctor ordered bloodwork to check my hormone levels. They told me I might just be too early to see anything. However, there was a chance that the pregnancy was ectopic. We would know more once the blood work came back on Monday, but they told me if I had pain or bleeding over the weekend to go to the emergency room. Just in case. I finally called my mom and told her. I was so conflicted. It seems like maybe God was giving me what I had prayed for already. A non-viable pregnancy. But when I got home, I dropped to my knees. Because for some reason I couldn’t help praying for God to save the baby that I didn’t want.
I told my husband that night. Of course it happened to be a night that we were already arguing about something else. Go figure. Thankfully, my husband was much happier than I was. We got the blood work results back from the doctor, and I followed up with another ultrasound. All to confirm that I had just caught my pregnancy very early on. From there, I went on to have a safe, successful pregnancy. No morning sickness. Very few food aversions. My only real cravings were brie cheese and chocolate milk. But I still struggled emotionally. Some days I was ok, others I was still sad. I knew I would love my daughter, because isn’t that what people always tell you? Most days were still a challenge though. I could not imagine what life would be like.
Do you want to know what happened next? I went into labor. Then I had the most beautiful baby girl I had ever seen. And I could barely sleep that first night in the hospital. Even though my daughter was sleeping, all I could do was sit there and hold her. And stare in wonder. Since then, there has never been a doubt. I have more faith now, knowing God’s plan is perfect, even when I don’t understand it. I’m so thankful for how, and when He chooses to give gifts. And I’m thankful for the prayers that He does not answer. Because if I had my way, I would’ve wished away one of the best gifts that He had for me: becoming a Mother.